Show me one guy that claims he does it all for any other reason than to attract the girl of his wildest dreams into his life and I will bet that he’s not being honest with you, but more importantly and ironically, with himself.
At some point or another in our lives, us gentlemen have a tendency to mask the truth as to the reasons for why we work so hard to climb that ever-elusive corporate “stairway to heaven,” or why we bust our butts serving those over-privileged, entitled restaurant-goers, or even why we study for four or more grueling years in college in hopes of landing a decent job in an ever-evaporating pool of opportunities. Sure, there are exceptions to this truth, such as the guy who genuinely enjoys scouring over the dozens and dozens of pages of financial records to publish a report for his company or the guy who loves being a social butterfly while he serves filet mignon and Old-Fashioned’s at his bar, but deep down, under all the pretense and cover-ups, lies our timeless truth – the overwhelming majority of us do it all to wind up with the women we so greatly desire.
We all dream that when we get that hot red Corvette or when we make that six-figure income or when we put on those fifteen pounds of muscle, we will finally become ready to bring those gorgeous women into our lives. They will finally see what we’re worth and that we’re a step above the rest and that we are clearly on the same playing field as them. Right?
A good friend of mine recently told me that he plans on signing up for the popular dating app Tinder “soon.” Mind you, he has been readying himself for this brave new leap into the unknown for over 3 years now. When I probed deeper to find out what he is actually waiting for, he defensively fired back a slew of “reasons” – he wants to get in slightly better shape before being ready to go on a date, he wants to save up a bit more money so he can take his future dates out to expensive dinners, and that he wants to get a little better with girls first so that he will be ready for the big day when it comes.
What is most ironic about all of this is that the right time is always NOW! We are not getting any younger and we are always in the prime of our lives! Getting that lucrative job promotion or that sexy sports car or that high-rise loft with views of the city skyline with a gym downstairs will not be the reason that propels us forward to succeed with women, although it may provide a temporary mental cushion that disintegrates once we are faced with reality. Women, or at least the caliber of women that I know we are seeking to attract into our lives, will always see right through those outward displays of grandeur. They have an intuition to detect behavior that overcompensates for an underlying insecurity. Women are masters of this, always have been. We will dive into these reasons in future articles.
Now that we have a clear understanding of our basic primal goal – to attract women into our lives – we can begin to peel back the layers of dust that cloud our simple path to happiness. We start to see how our excuses of “waiting for the right time” – whether they be centered around making more money, sculpting better bodies, or generating a “cooler” appearance on social media or in social circles – only serve the purpose of protecting our egos from dealing with the universal fear of failure.
Imagine getting that six-pack and those bulging biceps just in time for summer. There’s nothing like that feeling of confidently strutting your stuff on the beach and seeing a cute girl checking you out. You feel like hot stuff and obviously she must recognize and appreciate all the work you’ve put into your gym sessions, right? So you gather up all your courage and walk over to say hi to her. After all, this is the big day you’ve been prepping for all winter. You introduce yourself and engage in a bit of small talk, only to find that the conversation kind of fizzles out after a few minutes and you’re unsure of what to do next. After fumbling for the right words to say, you ask for her phone number and hear the expected “I’m sorry I have a boyfriend but it was nice to meet you” reply. You both know she doesn’t have a boyfriend. You hang your head and walk away, losing a bit of that pep in your step that you walked in with, not sure where you’ll go from here nor how you’ll recover from that devastating ego blow.
Now let’s consider another situation – you’ve just signed a lease on that sizzling dream Corvette of yours. The one that you always believed would help you land the girl of your dreams. It’s been a belief you’ve had since junior year of high school. You’ve been in a bit of debt over the past few years but things have been turning for the better with work and your salary has taken a nice bump upwards, so you decided to splurge a bit and treat yourself to a surefire panty-dropper, right? What girl wouldn’t be instantly attracted to someone behind the wheel of a whip like that? It’s Saturday night and after downing a few shots back at your place with a friend, you pull up to the hottest club in town. You strategically play some bumping beats and stand next to your brand-new prized possession. A couple of attractive girls walk by and you lock eyes with one. You motion for her to walk over to you and your friend, and she complies, tagging her friend along. The initial opening that she gave you to enhance that spark quickly closes as you guys talk about how cool the club in the background is and what other cool spots are in the area. You part ways with the possibility of running into each other later in the night, both of you knowing the chances of that happening are slim-to-none. After two more similar outcomes with other groups of girls, you start to question what is going wrong here. After all, you are standing next to the hottest car on the block. In no mood to continue the night after three failed attempts at attaining a lady, you drive back to your apartment and have a few beers before falling asleep on your couch, dreading the reality that you may have to confront in the morning. Unless you decide to continue masking the underlying issue at hand of course.
I think you’re starting to get my drift here, but just in case we need to run through one more scenario, let’s imagine you’ve managed to generate quite the following on Facebook or Instagram or the newest social media outlet. You make it a point to not let more than 2 days go by without posting a new picture or a new video of yourself. Sometimes they’re pretty cool, and you’re doing fun stuff. Other times, you spend hours in search of that perfect photo or video clip that will showcase your wonderful, fun-filled life as you pop bottles in the club or eat at that high-end restaurant that just opened up. You check how many “likes” and views your posts receive no fewer than twice a waking hour. Each new “like” boosts your ego a bit more and validates your worth in the eyes of others just a tad bit. There is a girl that follows you on the site and you do a lot of this in hopes that she will see how cool you are and one day, when the time is just right, you will message her and will go on a date and it will be happily ever after, right? Only a few weeks go by and you never have that chat with her, and in the next few months
there are a few other girls that take her place on social media, and every outcome yields the same result. You spend all that time taking pictures and videos and making posts with the underlying belief that these actions will be the reasons these girls will flock into your awesome world, yet after all that time, you end up at square one by yourself. Unsure of whether to continue being the king of social media that you see yourself as, or to change some of your ways, you tread along your days with no clear plan or understanding of what the reason is that no girls are finding their way into your life.
I hope that it is fully clear now what is going on here. When we put all that weight on the significance of a certain thing – whether it be a financial achievement, a physical accomplishment, or a social presence – and that one thing that we always believed would lead us to the promised land of women fails us, we have a breakdown. For as long as we can remember, we subconsciously equated that one thing with success with women. Our self-value was also interlocked with the belief that attaining that success with women would be a direct result of achieving that one thing. So when we finally achieve that thing we’ve worked so hard to create for ourselves, and yet we still find ourselves with no improvement with women, we are at a complete loss of words. We are emotionally broken down and don’t know why nor how to fix things.
The solution is rather simple, but something that takes an understanding of to implement successfully. If we realized from the very beginning, before we even created that image of that one thing that will make us great with women, that we already possess all the tools within ourselves to succeed, we would cut straight to the end-goal much sooner and with way fewer sleepless nights.
We fear failure because we hold our self-value so closely tied to others’ approval and validation of our accomplishments (financial, physical, etc…). If someone isn’t impressed with our new car, our bank account, our body, or our latest Instagram post like we had strongly hoped for and expected, our bubble of self-worth instantly bursts and we are at a loss of what to do next. We need to realize and internalize the fact that when someone isn’t impressed with our displays of materialism in its many forms, it doesn’t reflect back on our true selves. It reflects back on an unhealthy and mistaken belief that we’ve linked between our true selves with a self that we present to others in hopes of winning them over to like us. Unfortunately, the “us” that we hope they will like is far from the true “us.”
That girl at the beach didn’t reject you – she just wasn’t impressed with the you that you presented her – a good-looking guy with a great body that really didn’t know how to steer the conversation in a direction that would end up with the two of you playing in the water together, with perhaps a few kisses exchanged in-between, and meeting up later that evening for ice cream and a stroll in the park. You went in thinking your body would be enough to generate sufficient attraction on her end, but when it wasn’t, and your fear of failure was realized, you had no plan B. You put all your faith in plan A and it failed you.
The girls walking by your car outside the club didn’t reject you. In fact, they were attracted to you, and sure, it was a bonus that you owned an awesome ride. They were just not very intrigued with how the interaction went beyond the initial spark. You failed to escalate the situation and proceed to have an amazing night with those girls right then and there. You put all that faith in your car being enough to get them to hop inside and come back to your place for a fun night. You should’ve put all that faith in your ability to attract those ladies with your words and actions instead.
And those girls you were interested in on your social media, they probably were quite intrigued by what your life potentially was, or at least by how you presented it to be. It’s just that you were so focused on providing a constant stream of visuals on a daily basis that you forgot to actually reach out, cut the small-talk, and set up dates with them. That’s all they really were hoping for anyway. The same thing you were hoping for. You just failed to take the wheel and drive your interaction to a mutually-beneficial destination. And I understand that you had no clue that you were driving yourself further from your goal. But it’s alright, we’ve all been there, at least I have, and there is a bright light at the end of that tunnel!
From the moment we cut the chains that bind our self-value to our beliefs that women will be attracted to our “materialistic” displays and that if they’re not then they just rejected our true selves, our fear of failure will begin to burn away quicker and quicker, until only genuinely confident men with high self-value and armed with clearly-formulated steps for achieving any goals with women they set for themselves by going from Point A to Point B rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Reborn, rebuilt, and on a mission to reclaim what rightfully belongs to us – our happiness with amazing women by our sides!
In our upcoming articles, we will dive deeper into how to set goals for each individual situation we find ourselves in with women, how to achieve those goals by going from Point A to a Point B of our choosing, and how to sometimes be able to identify when perhaps Point B isn’t actually what we wanted all along, and when in fact, maybe our truly desired destination is Point C.
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