Online Dating – How to Stand Out From the Crowd
It seems like every few years a new group of dating apps and websites peak out of obscurity and into the mainstream light. Over the past decade, some of the most popular ones have become known as Tinder®, Zoosk®, and Plenty of Fish.®
Thousands upon thousands of men and women sign up for these services in hopes of finding that “special someone” for themselves. We’ve all heard of those success stories that start off with a romantic date and end up with a destination wedding in Mexico, but let’s pull back those blinding shades that hang over our glasses for just one moment so we can see clearly how the overwhelming majority of interactions on these apps between guys and girls culminate in nothing short of failure!
There exist thousands of websites and “specialists” that guarantee that they will take guys to the promised land of success with amazing women by following their advice. The disheartening truth, unfortunately, is that I have come across no more than a few pieces of valuable advice on how to achieve success with women on these apps over the course of nearly the decade during which I have spent mastering the technique which we will discuss shortly.
The most important take-home message that I want you to internalize from this article is that your goal for every interaction you have with a girl on these apps whom you find attractive is to direct the flow of events from introducing yourself to meeting her in person – AS QUICKLY AND EFFICIENTLY AS POSSIBLE!
In this article, we will cover the following topics:
What most guys do on dating apps
Why their approaches usually don’t result in success with women
What you need to do to separate yourself from the herds of predictable guys in order to succeed with women, including a real-life example with an explanation as to why it works
How to transition with specific steps from sending your first message to setting up your first date – all within as little as 15 minutes of a reply!
So, let’s begin, if we may…
What The Majority of Guys Do on Dating Apps
The typical rundown of an interaction between a guy and a girl on a dating app goes something like this:
The guy spends way more time than he should each day checking out her profile, checking when she was last active on the app, and meticulously planning what he will eventually message her once he gathers up the courage and determination to begin. He finally sends her a message along the lines of:
“Hi Ashley, my name is Kevin. I noticed that you’re really into music and are a big foodie. I also love live bands and love to eat at the newest restaurants in town! Seems like we have a lot in common. So what do you do for work? I work as a graphic designer downtown. Have been with my company for the past 3 years. I work with really cool people and we go out for drinks after work sometimes. Where do you usually hang out with your friends? I really like your profile by the way, you seem like a really interesting girl. I still can’t wrap my head around how a girl like you is single and on a site like this. Anyways, looking forward to hearing back from you soon and continuing our convo. Take care, Kevin.”
Ashley checks her inbox later that day and opens up the first of 63 new messages from that day alone! She laughs at each new message that she reads, frequently deleting each one after skimming two to three sentences. The quality of these messages are worthy of being uploaded onto a site like “Tinder Fails” or “Plenty of Dead Fish.” Most of the messages either compliment how good-looking Ashley is, ask if she is down to hook up later, or even sometimes include a cute poem written by one of her many admirers. These hold her attention for a few seconds, and she is about to log off when she decides to open just one more. After reading Kevin’s message, Ashley promises herself that if another day goes by and nothing more intriguing finds itself into her inbox, she will delete her account and take a hiatus from guys.
You may be wondering what Kevin wrote that was so bad and why Ashley wasn’t interested in him or why she didn’t even reply back, so let’s examine what happened here a bit deeper in order to understand why it is that…
What most guys do on dating apps DOESNT work.
Remember the main purpose of all of this is to escalate the courtship from being just another online profile that Ashley swipes through to meeting Ashley in person and strengthening that real-life dynamic.
Now in order to actually capture Ashley’s interest in Kevin and for him to be able to successfully set up a date in the near future, Kevin needs to cut straight to the chase rather quickly. By sending her a lengthy message with loads of unrequested information about himself and barraging Ashley with an arsenal of questions about herself without coming up for air, Kevin subjects himself to a fate of being viewed as socially uncalibrated by Ashley.
Kevin doesn’t wait for a reply from Ashley to even his first question about what she does for work, which in itself Ashley must be sick and tired of, since nearly 90% of the messages in her inbox contain probing questions about her job, her hobbies, and her visions of her future. All of these are amazing topics and should indeed be touched upon at a later point of the courtship, but being addressed so early into the interaction shifts the focus from getting Ashley out on a date to developing a relationship more closely resembling that of pen-pals, like the ones we all had in middle school.
Ashley isn’t seeking another pen-pal who will message her back and forth for weeks on end before mustering up the courage to ask her if she maybe would like to grab a coffee or a drink sometime. Usually he never ends up asking her out anyway, and whatever initial spark there may have even been quickly fizzles out with each hour further removed from the goal at hand.
Nor is Ashley seeking to build an online relationship via emails with a guy that presents himself as picture-perfect on paper and in words, only to be entirely heartbroken and emotionally deflated when she meets him in person and finds that his words online don’t align with his actions and fundamental behavior in person. All that smooth talk and those confident, attractive statements helped maintain that sexy, mysterious, dreamy image of him while the courtship was in its infancy stage online, but now that the armor has been removed from her shining knight and only the socially uncalibrated, hesitant, mortal human body with all its chinks has been exposed for what it is, Ashley is once again let down by her “high hopes” of meeting just a normal guy who is comfortable in his own skin and isn’t apologetic for being so.
So at this point you may have begun to wonder, well if all of these approaches are doomed to failure, then is there even an approach that will work, or is online dating a lost cause?
In the next section, we will be introduced to the “Holy Grail” of approaches and mindsets to have when seeking success with women online. Over many years of witnessing many of my students consistently attracting and dating amazing, beautiful women by incorporating the approach I will share with you shortly, and many unforgettable experiences with unbelievably special women that I was grateful for being a part of, I can with full confidence say that if a more direct, efficient approach exists for attracting women online, meeting them out for dates, and progressing to romance, then I have yet to come across it! Here we will cover the steps for setting up a date, and will discuss the latter parts in subsequent articles.
What You Need To Do To Stand Out From The Dating Pack and Succeed
Women are attracted to guys that know what they want, will do what they need to do to get it, and that are unapologetic for it. Since both men and women sign up for these dating sites with the sole intention of attracting, meeting and hopefully progressing into some form of relationship with someone they are compatible with, there is no ambiguity as to what men and women want from these sites. Since it is rare that women will take initiative and lead the dynamic to a romantic stage, for the purpose of this article, we will take assumption that the man will be the natural leader in the majority of these interactions, as he should be, since that undoubtedly increases his attraction level in any woman’s eyes.
Does a woman find it attractive when guys play the role of pen-pal and compose messages back and forth with no end? No! Does she find it attractive when guys compliment her looks or point out how they think the two of them would be a good match? No! She finds it attractive when a guy reaches out to her, introduces himself, makes minimal small-talk, and then quickly proceeds to working out the logistics of the meet-up/date that they both are waiting for. The guy who doesn’t need to exchange 30 messages over 6 days prior to asking if she would perhaps be interested in “getting to know each other” sometime. There will be plenty of time and opportunities for that later – once they’re on that actual date. The guy who knows what she wants, knows what he wants, and zeros in on setting it up!
Let me run through an example for you:
Kevin: Hey there!
Ashley: Hey how are you?
Kevin: Just getting back from the gym, had to work off a little stress, long week. What are you up to?
Ashley: Yeah I hit the treadmill when I feel that way too! I’m just on lunch break at work.
Kevin: Ahh, I totally message away with cute guys when I’m on my lunch break also! Isn’t it the best?! So where is it that you work, if you don’t mind me asking?
Ashley: Hahaha! I’m a dental assistant at this private office in the village. How about you?
Kevin: Oh nice, although I don’t think you could pay me enough to look inside the mouths of all those people who’ve never bought a pack of floss in their lives. Respect Ashley, respect! I’m working for this consulting firm, kind of a different gig than I’m used to, but I like the challenge. So what’s your schedule like over there?
Ashley: Oh it’s not that bad haha, I’m used to it. I usually work Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays.
Kevin: Ah gotcha, that seems like one heck of a schedule! So listen Ashley, I have to run, meeting up with a friend to catch up in a bit, but we should definitely grab drinks sometime, would love to hear all about your exciting dental patients and how squeaky clean all of their mouths must be!
Ashley: Haha, yea we definitely should, that’d be cool!
Kevin: Awesome, I’m free this Monday and Tuesday actually, let me know which one works best for ya!
Ashley: Monday works, but I’m only out of work at 5.
Kevin: That’s perfect, I’m taking my niece to the aquarium in the morning so I should free up by the evening. How does 7pm sound at The Red Oak?
Ashley: Sounds good!
Kevin: Let’s exchange numbers. Mine is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Text me – easier.
5 minutes later Ashley texts Kevin, Kevin replies back, and doesn’t text her until an hour or so prior to their scheduled date in a few days, letting her know he’s heading out in a bit and will see her soon. There is no doubt in his mind as to whether she’s changed her mind about the date or anything else for that matter. He always assumes that things will work out as they were meant to, and they usually do, since he’s thus far embodied the picture-perfect guy that Ashley has been seeking. She will later be even more pleasantly surprised when she sees how Kevin is not like all the other guys she typically meets. His fundamental mannerisms and the frames that he sets during their interactions almost hypnotically seduce her into his world. And she is all the happier and wetter for it.
We will dive into and pinpoint what exactly is so attractive about Kevin and how he carries himself in future articles, but for now, let’s revert back and summarize what exactly transpired in their dialogue.
Kevin started off with a simple greeting and patiently awaited Ashley’s response. If she wasn’t interested in his profile, she wouldn’t have replied, and Kevin would simply have kept messaging other girls he was attracted to until one replied.
Once Ashley replied, Kevin knew that she was at the very least interested in initiating a conversation, so that was Kevin’s green light. The game was on! He mentioned that he was coming back from the gym (which showed that he must take care of his body which is very attractive to women). Then he asked her what she was up to at the moment (it didn’t really matter what she was doing-just a little fluff) and commented on her reply (joked about how he also chats on Tinder during his breaks – also more fluff).
After she told him where she works and asked him about his job, he answered but did so curtly and didn’t let the conversation wander off into typical boring topics that most guys would have (about work, hobbies, etc..). He quickly returned the focus on learning what her schedule was like (all the while taking steps to ultimately set up the live date). He then out of the blue and on a relative high-note starts winding the conversation down (says he has to meet up with a “friend” – is it a girl or a guy? – more intrigue and mystery) and proceeds to state, not ask if she would be interested in, that they should definitely grab drinks sometime soon. And he implies that over these drinks, she can tell him all about her exciting dental stories (they both know this is fluff but also realize it’s introduced in a way that will facilitate the meet-up).
Kevin then waits for Ashley to reply with a “Yes” answer to his proposition. As soon as she does, it’s game on again and there’s no doubt that she is ready to set up a date with him – he just needs to navigate the terrain quickly and seal the deal now. Kevin then offers her his availability and asks which option would be best for her (doesn’t hound her with questions about when she’s free, etc…- he simply states ‘this is when I am available to meet you so let me know if and when these options work for you). This is all done very fluidly and smoothly and Ashley doesn’t have to do any thinking or planning – Kevin is leading her to their mutually-desired goal and she subconsciously is extremely attracted to that, since most guys do not execute their moves in such a simple, yet effective way.
Once they agree on a day, Kevin then suggests a specific time and place, gets confirmation from Ashley that it’s a go, and winds down the chat by suggesting they exchange phone numbers (this solidifies their connection a bit more in her mind, as it makes Ashley invest more into their date since she’s providing her number when she texts Kevin). Notice how he shares his number and tells her to text him since it’s just simply easier to communicate via texting than via the app. In reality, it really doesn’t matter, but by asking for her compliance by texting him, it sets a very good precedent of Ashley investing her efforts and thoughts and energy into following Kevin’s lead. This all happens beneath Ashley’s conscious mind. But she feels more attracted to Kevin than she has towards most guys already and can’t wait for their date!
How to Set Up Dates With Women on Dating Apps
Let’s now recap what we learned in this article:
The majority of girls are overwhelmed with the amount of messages they receive in their inboxes on dating apps.
The majority of guys that message them either come on too strong or present themselves as too mushy- gushy and unattractive to females. The ones that hold some potential usually tend to drag out their conversations over many days and seem to progress nowhere with setting up actual dates. They merely morph into pen-pals – placeholders until the next batch of guys find their way into the girls’ inboxes and repeat the cycle all over again. Until someone like the polished version of Kevin comes along and saves the day. Let’s review the specific sequence that Kevin follows to succeed in setting up a date with any girl of his desire to fully internalize this technique so we can be ready to apply it in our own lives starting today:
He messages her with a simple “Hey there!” or “Hey what’s up!”
She replies – she’s interested – Green Light to proceed!
He states that he’s returning from the gym because he had to vent some stress since it’s been a long week or he can state that he’s getting back from his martial arts class and he’s been working hard on reaching that black belt (any activity fits here that is viewed as attractive)
He follows up with asking her what she is up to
Whatever her reply is, he just makes a blanket comment on it, maybe displaying a little humor relating to whatever she is currently doing, without going overboard with it
He then follows up with a question – where is it that she works, or anything that is a fluid transition from her last reply
After she replies, he inquires about her schedule – what’s it like?
Once he has an idea of what days she’s free, he says “listen, I have to run because I’m ________. But we should definitely grab drinks sometime soon!”
He then waits for her to reply with essentially a “Yes” -> Green Light to proceed!
Then he offers a few potential options for days that he’s available on and asks what works best for her
Once she responds, he simply picks a time and place on that date and asks her to confirm that it works for her
Once she confirms, he says great, and we should also exchange numbers since it’ll be easier to communicate that way
He then messages her his number and tells her to text him (now he has her number also)
He then refrains from texting her (unless she initiates and even then he keeps his replies to a minimum until their date) until shortly prior to their scheduled date, at which point he texts her that he’s heading out and that he will see her soon
This is the simplest, most effective method I have come across for setting up dates with women from dating sites and have had almost zero failures when following these steps. Not every girl will be interested in you, and that’s OK. But the ones that are interested, well, they will now be in for a pleasant surprise once they are led by a man of confidence and determination to their ultimate dream – that ever-elusive real-life date with a human man that actually stands out from the pack of aspiring pen-pals in the cruel world of online dating!
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